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Satire for entertainment. Scores are game values, not population statistics or psychological measures.

Overwatch 2·Player Archetype

You picked the hero everyone calls free, then spent two thousand hours proving the hard part was never the mouse. You're tracking five cooldowns, three flank routes and one DPS who has never once looked behind him. Guardian Angel out, damage boost onto the one person actually hitting shots, and the entire time you're doing the thing the scoreboard doesn't score: staying alive so the team has something to come back to. It does get to you. You remember the exact wording of every "heals?" that arrived while you were mid-rez, usually from someone standing behind a wall. You don't type back. You just remember.

Slow burnL

You farm the lead. Patience is your weapon.

Risk managerC

You fold when others shove. That's why you're still alive.

Team anchorT

You live for the squad. Without them, the game loses its point.

Data drivenD

Win rates and timers are your religion.

Efficiency modeU

You don't need it to look good. You just need it to work.

Quick tiltB

One feed and you're on fire for three games. You always come back anyway.

Symptoms
  • 01"Heals?" always arrives from the person standing behind a wall.
  • 02You damage boost the one player who is actually hitting shots and quietly hope they notice.
  • 03You've never been thanked for a rez, and yes, you've counted.
  • 04You know your DPS's flank route better than he does. You've watched him die on it four times.
  • 05After a loss you open the scoreboard, look at your own row, and say nothing.
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