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Satire for entertainment. Scores are game values, not population statistics or psychological measures.

Overwatch 2·Player Archetype

The second an enemy shows, you're already lining up the charge, and you know how that usually ends because it has ended that way about four hundred times. Doesn't matter. Rein is the one hero where being loud is a mechanic: the shield is a promise, the hammer is a conversation, and when the shatter lands the whole lobby hears about it. You take it personally when someone walks in front of your shield. You take it personally when nobody walks behind it either. Everything about you is volume, and roughly half the time the volume is correct.

Rush downR

You open the fight. Waiting feels like losing.

Risk managerC

You fold when others shove. That's why you're still alive.

Team anchorT

You live for the squad. Without them, the game loses its point.

Data drivenD

Win rates and timers are your religion.

Efficiency modeU

You don't need it to look good. You just need it to work.

Quick tiltB

One feed and you're on fire for three games. You always come back anyway.

Symptoms
  • 01An enemy appears. You're lining up the charge before you've decided anything.
  • 02You've pinned somebody into their own spawn door and called it a good trade.
  • 03The shield isn't an ability to you. It's a job description.
  • 04Your team walked in front of the shield again and you said so, at length.
  • 05One clean shatter and the entire match is forgiven.
  • 06You're still holding the shield for people who already left the point.
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