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Satire for entertainment. Scores are game values, not population statistics or psychological measures.

League of Legends·Player Archetype
CS Vampire

CS Vampire.

“A tower dive at 5 minutes isn't aggression. It's just breakfast.”

LASDUKPlayer Code
✕ Natural EnemyVS
Macro Accountant

Macro Accountant.

rift cfo

“Doesn't believe in outplays. Believes in gold graphs.”

★ Best Squad MateSQUAD
Muted Veteran

Muted Veteran.

mute strategist

“Been here since Season 3. Still mutes everyone on principle.”

Your laning philosophy is simple: the enemy is prey, you're the hunter. Team state doesn't factor into your calculations. Only their HP bar and their last footwork mistake do. You rarely share resources, because sharing requires believing your support deserves a creep, and you've never once believed that. You don't want a team win. You want the numbers: first blood by minute five, enemy pinned under their own tower bleeding gold by minute ten. Tyler1's channel is your church. "Running it down" is something you'd never admit to. Your death-heatmap disagrees.

Slow burnL

You farm the lead. Patience is your weapon.

All-inA

Win or lose, your plays end up on the highlight reel.

Solo wolfS

You carry alone. Teammates are just names on the minimap.

Data drivenD

Win rates and timers are your religion.

Efficiency modeU

You don't need it to look good. You just need it to work.

Titanium tiltK

You get inted and keep playing. Teammates envy the calm.

Symptoms
  • 01Highest CS on team, lowest participation in teamfights — every game, every season
  • 02When the enemy swaps players, you call it "variety," not "a challenge"
  • 03You get first blood at 5 minutes then spend the next 30 minutes telling your team about it
  • 04You privately believe support is a redundant role because your lane doesn't need help
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